Organising a memorial service or wake is a meaningful way to honour the memory of a loved one. It allows family and friends to gather, share memories, and offer support to one another during a difficult time.
This guide will help you learn about memorial services and wakes, and take you through the steps of planning to ensure a heartfelt and memorable farewell.
A memorial service is similar to a wake in that it takes place after the funeral service has taken place, but is often held on a different day and at a different location.
However, this isn't exclusively the case. The terminology differs depending on where you are in the UK and the two terms can be used interchangeably to mean the same thing.
Nevertheless, both a memorial service and a wake can be a solemn or a celebratory event, held in a location of the family's choice, and personalised in a way that suits the deceased and their loved ones.
A wake is a gathering held to pay respects to the deceased after the burial or cremation. This usually takes place immediately after the funeral service has taken place.
Traditionally, wakes were held in the home of the deceased, but today they can take place at various locations such as funeral homes, community centres or private venues.
The atmosphere of a wake can range from solemn to celebratory, depending on cultural and personal preferences. It provides an opportunity for loved ones to come together, share stories, offer condolences, and support each other as they say goodbye.
If you've never organised a funeral before, it may be difficult to know where to start with the wake or memorial service.
However, the most important thing to remember is there is no correct way to do it. You can arrange any type of memorial service you like. It can be a little gathering at your house a few weeks after the funeral, you could rent out a room at the local pub straight after the cremation has taken place - the choice is completely yours.
Below, we'll run through five questions you need to consider when arranging a memorial service. But don't fret, things don't need to be complicated. Just take on as little or as much as you can.
This has to be the first consideration before you think about anything else.
Your budget will dictate everything - how many people you can host, what venue you want to hire, what refreshments you'd like to have, what type of funeral you'd like.
And it's important to remember, the less you spend on the funeral, the more you will have for the memorial service. Funerals can be very expensive - £4,141 on average in the UK*, so it's important to bear that in mind.
So if your family and/or the deceased prefer something a little less formal, something a little more celebratory, then it may be best to allocate your budget in a way that makes that possible. Something like a direct cremation for example costs £1,399 with us here at Distinct Cremations. We'll explain more below.
* SunLife Cost of Dying Report 2024, sunlife.co.uk/funeral-costs
When it comes to funerals, the most common options are:
Memorial services are the perfect accompaniment for direct cremations and small, attended cremations. Families tend to choose this option so they can have a separate service somewhere a little less formal and more relaxed. And because the cost of these funerals is lower, the money saved can be used to rent out a local pub or be spent on food and drinks.
A simple and traditional funeral can also be accompanied by a memorial service, however as the majority of the guests will be at the service, families often choose to have a wake following the funeral.
"Many families we attend to have a direct cremation and combine it with a lovely memorial service. We interact with a number of people who say their deceased didn't want a solemn send off, instead they want something a little more celebratory where people can relax and be themselves."
"This could be something like renting a room at the back of the pub, bringing some sandwiches along and just sitting around reminiscing. At Distinct Cremations, we return the ashes within 14 days after a direct cremation, so these ashes can act as the centrepiece of the celebration, sitting on the bar like the deceased is still present. This kind of thing sounds lovely, and probably not far off how I'd like to be remembered."
Next comes the difficult question of who you'd like to attend. Do you want just close family and friends present? Or do you want to open it up a little more to everyone the deceased knew?
This also depends on who attends the funeral. You may like to keep the funeral service to a small attended cremation service so you can grieve together solely with close friends and family. While for the memorial service you may like to extend the invitation to everyone.
For some, these questions might be easy. If your loved one liked to keep themselves to themselves, a more modest send off would be the most appropriate. For others, you may have dozens queuing up to pay their respects.
But answering these important points will allow the rest to fall into place.
No matter your budget or how many people you'd like to attend, the location possibilities are endless.
If you have a low budget, you could have a picnic at the local park or beach, or host a gathering at a family member's home. You may like to go on a walk and scatter your loved one's ashes in a spot that meant a lot to them.
Or if you have a little higher budget, you could rent out a room at the local pub, a community hall or a space at your loved one's favourite football club.
There is no right or wrong way to commemorate your loved one, so liaise with your family and friends, or even speak to your loved one if they are still with you, and choose something that suits everyone.
"Something I've always liked the sound of is a small, attended cremation for a few friends and family, combined with a beach celebration a few days later! I know this won't be for everyone, but it sounds like such a fun idea."
"Instead of a downbeat send off, the family instead can opt for something fun and cheery with some food, a few beers and glasses of wine. There also wouldn't be any expense as everyone can bring their own food and drinks. The family may also like to create a memorial book, blow up some balloons and light some candles. For me, this would be the perfect send off."
Now you've decided on the big stuff, it's time to book the venue (if applicable), invite your friends and arrange some of the finer details.
Booking the venue shouldn't be too difficult. Just give them a ring, let them know the details and they'll be able to give you the price.
When it comes to inviting friends, you can be as simple or as outlandish as you want. You may want to send a group text, open up a WhatsApp or Facebook group or even send out some fancy invites. Whatever takes your fancy.
And then it comes down to arranging things like food and drink, memorial tributes and an order of service if that's something you're interested in.
For more inspiration, we have an article on memorial ideas and memorial service ideas which you might find helpful.
"I like the idea of being quite organised when arranging a memorial service. For example, the day could start by observing a moment of silence once all the guests arrive, then a family member can read a eulogy, before finishing the formalities by playing the deceased's favourite song."
"Everyone likes to have their memorial services their own way, but I really like the idea of having something similar in format to how a funeral service would be, but just in a more relaxed, less formal environment."
No, you don't need to have an order of service at a memorial service or wake, but you can if you want to.
You can include things like:
You can even hire a celebrant who will be able to conduct and organise the formalities. This is the sort of thing that you'd see at a traditional funeral service, but with a memorial service you have the option to have all this in a more relaxed, less formal environment.
Below is a standard running order you may like to take inspiration from. You make like to do all of these or none at all:
According to SunLife, the average cost for a memorial is £1,037, the cost of venue hire is £347 and the cost of catering is £476**. However, the cost of a wake can vary widely depending on how elaborate you want the event to be.
It’s important to set a budget that you’re comfortable with and explore options that fit within your financial means. Remember, a meaningful wake doesn’t have to be extravagant; it’s the thought and care you put into it that matters most.
Direct cremations can complement a wake or memorial service by offering a simple, affordable option for the final disposition of a loved one, allowing families to focus on personalising the wake. This combination provides a dignified and respectful cremation process without the formality of a traditional funeral, enabling families to gather and support each other.
** SunLife Cost of Dying Report 2024, sunlife.co.uk/funeral-costs
If you’re arranging a funeral, Distinct Cremations offers affordable, straightforward options without unnecessary frills. Learn more about our unattended direct cremations and small attended cremations below.
For detailed pricing and a comprehensive list of optional extras, please refer to our price list.
Our unattended cremation is a great choice for those looking for a simple, low-cost unattended cremation without a funeral ceremony. Unattended cremations take place with no service or mourners present at our high-quality crematoria where dignified care is guaranteed throughout.
Our attended, personal cremation is perfect for those looking for a fuss-free farewell and a final chance to say goodbye. With our dignified and affordable attended cremations you can have up to 8 people attend a 10 minute service or up to 20 people attend a 20 minute service.
To help you through a difficult time, or plan ahead for your own end-of-life plans, we’ve created a wealth of comprehensive guides. If you need to arrange a funeral straight away, give our compassionate team a call on 01543 211997.
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