Grieving an estranged family member

An estranged family member's death can have a huge effect upon us. The fact that they're estranged often means we hear the news out of the blue, and this can bring with it huge shock.

In this article, we'll look at how to navigate this shock and grief, attending the funeral, coping with unresolved emotions, moving forward after the loss, and much more.

An estranged family member is someone who has distanced themselves from their family or has been separated due to unresolved conflicts, differences, or life circumstances. This separation can be physical, emotional, or both which can last months, years, or even decades. Reasons for estrangement vary widely and may include disagreements, differing values, or traumatic events. For some, the relationship may feel irreparable, while others may still hold out hope for reconciliation.

Receiving the news of estranged family member's death can affect us in so many different ways. Society expects us to feel sad and down when anyone dies, but for many, that just isn't the reaction that comes to the fore - especially with an estranged family member.

Some people may feel nothing, just feeling completely hollow. For others, shock is often the first feeling we get, this is because we may not have thought about that family member for such a long time that when we hear the news we can be stunned into silence, not knowing how to feel.

From there, it's common to feel guilt. When we have spent so long apart from someone, it's natural to have thoughts of, "If only" that can torment us. This may force us into action, to want to do something to correct the 'wrong' that may come from feelings of regret.

Below, we'll go into what to do with these emotions and how to best cope - no matter what your circumstances are.

Coping with unresolved emotions

When an estranged family member dies, we can be flooded with a rush of emotions, some of which we may not have felt for the deceased for years or even decades.

Processing emotions at the best of times can be difficult, but even more so when in times of grief. As the 5 stages of grief teaches us, for most people, it’s common to experience grief in stages and to feel different emotions from one day to the next.

But when the emotion enters our field of consciousness or we feel the emotion in our body, it can be hard to sit with that emotion and feel what we're meant to feel. For some, these emotions can feel completely overwhelming - especially if you're alone.

Below are three different methods we think are healthy ways to process unresolved emotions in times of grief.

Journaling

Funeral memorial book

Journaling can be a powerful way to explore and understand the complex feelings that often surface. Writing down thoughts and memories allows you to unpack unresolved emotions in a private, safe space. It’s a gentle way to process what may feel overwhelming, providing clarity over time and helping you accept the layers of grief.

Writing unsent letters

Hand Holding Pencil To Write Obituary

Writing unsent letters to the deceased, or to another friend or family member, can offer a way to express the words you may have never had the chance to say. Putting your thoughts on paper - even if they’ll never be read - can bring a sense of release and closure, helping to reduce feelings of regret, guilt, anger or anything else you may be experiencing.

Talking with a therapist

Woman sitting on chair, anxious about upcoming events while grieving

A therapist can offer support and guidance through the unique grief of losing an estranged family member. Working with a professional can help you explore unresolved feelings, manage conflicting emotions, and find ways to navigate the loss, in a non-judgmental and compassionate space, fostering healing and personal growth over time.

Moving forward after loss

It's always difficult to move forward when experiencing grief. It's also difficult to know when to move forward.

It's very important for us to sit with our emotions, to feel what's going on and to attempt to process them. It's easy in times of grief to want to distract ourselves or busy ourselves with activities or work, but in the long run, this will have a detrimental effect. But how long should we stay stewing on our thoughts and feelings before we move on with our lives? Sitting in the emotions for too long can lead to a sort of depression.

It can be really difficult to get this timing right, and moving on can come with a certain amount of guilt when we attempt to do so. We may not feel like we've given enough time to thinking about the deceased, or we may even suffer from a bit of survivor's guilt too.

The most important thing we can do is listen to our body as much as we can. Our body and our mind know when it's time, and that small, still voice inside us will tell us. But when grief overwhelms us, it can be very difficult to hear its words.

Speaking to friends or family can be super beneficial too. To get your thoughts out into the open and out of your body can bring relief and clarity, plus the advice or guidance you may receive from your loved one may help enormously.

But if listening to your loved one or your body does prove to be difficult, below are some resources and helplines that may be of help.

Getting support

  • At a loss: Find various support services and counselling resources across the UK.
  • Child Bereavement UK: Offers support to families grieving the loss of a child, as well as to children and young people coping with the loss of a loved one.
  • Child Death Helpline: Provides a helpline for anyone affected by the death of a child.
  • The Compassionate Friends: Support network for bereaved parents and their families, including a helpline.
  • Cruse Bereavement Support: Provides face-to-face, telephone, email, and online support for anyone who has experienced a loss.
  • Dying Matters: Offers resources to help individuals talk more openly about death, dying, and bereavement, and assists with planning for the end of life.
  • The Good Grief Trust: A charity run by people who have experienced bereavement, offering information, personal stories, and a map of UK bereavement services.
  • Hub of Hope: A comprehensive database of mental health services across the UK, including support from charities, the NHS, and private providers.
  • The Loss Foundation: Provides support for those grieving the loss of someone to cancer, including free support groups, workshops, walking events, and peer connections.
  • Samaritans: Available 24/7 for anyone struggling with grief or other challenges. Call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. Welsh Language Line: 0808 164 0123 (7pm–11pm daily).
  • Sands: Support for those affected by the death of a baby, with a helpline and live chat available.
  • Sue Ryder: Offers bereavement support services, including online counselling.
  • WAY (Widowed and Young): Provides advice and support for those who have lost a partner before the age of 51.

Should you attend the funeral?

There is no one size fits all to this question, and you will know the answer better than anyone.

For some, the funeral may prove therapeutic, reconnecting with friends and family you've not encountered for a long time and getting some closure on a difficult relationship.

Whereas for others who have a bad relationship with family members who may be attending, the experience of going to the funeral may be a traumatic one which may be filled with conflict and a constant reminder of bad memories.

If this is the case for you, there are other meaningful ways to pay your respects. Holding a private memorial service at home, lighting a candle, or taking a moment of silence in their memory can offer a personal, comforting alternative.

You might also consider visiting a place significant to your shared past or writing a reflective note to acknowledge their impact on your life. These private gestures allow you to honour their memory in a way that feels genuine and true to your own feelings and will avoid any potential awkward or painful encounters at a funeral.

Woman Calculating Cost of Funeral

How direct cremation can help simplify the process

For those who have complicated family relationships, a direct cremation can be a straightforward and respectful alternative. Unlike a conventional service, a direct cremation has fewer logistical requirements, and no need for large gatherings or formal ceremonies. This simplicity often reduces the stress associated with planning and can also alleviate the financial strain that many families face.

Direct cremation provides the flexibility to honour the deceased in a less conventional way, allowing time and space to create your own farewell in whatever way you please, whenever you’re ready.

Creating a personal memorial

A personal memorial can be a comforting way to say goodbye after a direct cremation. You may like to consider gathering close family or friends for a small tribute, holding a private moment to scatter ashes, or setting up an online memorial where memories and photos can be shared.

These intimate gestures can allow you to honour the life of your estranged loved one in a way that feels right, providing closure and a chance for reflection on your own terms.

How a direct cremation works

1. Call us

Call us

You call our team any time of the day, 365 days a year, and we collect the deceased from the place of death and bring them into our care.

Contact us

2. Paperwork guidance

Man filling out paperwork

Whilst we care for the deceased, our customer service specialists will contact the family to book the cremation and complete all the paperwork.

Our care for the deceased

3. Cremation and ashes

hand delivery of Ashes

We will tell you the unattended cremation date. The deceased's ashes then can then be returned or scattered in our garden of remembrance.

Hand delivery of the ashes

Arrange a funeral today

Our compassionate team is here to help you organise a respectful and affordable funeral for your loved one. To start arrangements, give us a call.

If your loved one is near to death and you would like more information before making funeral arrangements, you can also download a free guide to our funeral services

Call Now On 015432 12000

Other helpful resources

Below are a few more resources that may come in use when remembering a loved one or when anticipating a death.

Navigating the five stages of grief

Senior man experiencing one of the five stages of grief

For most people, it’s common to experience grief in stages and to feel different emotions from one day to the next. You may have heard about the five stages of grief before - a model first created in the 1960s to better understand and manage grief.

Five stages of grief

What to do when someone dies

What to do if someone dies in England_ wild flowers

Understanding what you need to do when someone dies, and when to do it, can help ease the stress and confusion you may be experiencing. Which is why we’re here to take you through the steps to know exactly what to do when someone dies.

What to do when someone dies

Arranging a funeral for a loved one

Senior lady arranging a funeral plan

If you have to arrange a funeral, knowing what to do and how to handle things can make a big difference. At Distinct, we do everything we can to make arrangements as stress-free as possible. Explore our step-by-step guide to arranging a funeral.

Arranging a funeral

What our customers say about us

We offer the highest level of support, but don't just take our word for it. Below are recent reviews from customers who bought a funeral with us.

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Anonymous, on Feefo 28 Mar 2025
The team have been amazing during dealing with the death of two family members in a very short period of time . We dealt mainly with Yasmin who has been do helpful and understanding during our time of loss. As result of the service provided during this time further family members have decided to proceed with booking such services for themselves for the future.
Lisa Matthews, on Feefo 22 Mar 2025
Very helpful with difficult decisions. No pressure sales as with other funeral services I approached. Also very good price in comparison with others.
Anonymous, on Feefo 19 Mar 2025
From my first interaction requesting a guide to my conversation with Sophie, I cannot fault the service I've received. All my questions have been answered in a way that I can understand what I am being offered and what I have asked for. All processes and procedures have been explained and I have been given ample time to research other possible companies and I haven't felt pressurised or been given the 'hard sale'. On the service i have received so far I would highly recommend them to family and friends
Anonymous, on Feefo 10 Mar 2025
Bought a policy online which was quick and simple to do and then received a courtesy call from Distinct Cremations to make sure that I was happy with my purchase. Very professional.
Debbie Burchell, on Feefo 8 Mar 2025
I had no idea where to go when my mum passed away. We had discussed that she wanted to be cremated, but that was it. My partner saw Distinct Cremations on our local Crematorium website, as they work with them. I didn't want loads of fuss, or to go into an office. Just a lovely personal service. Distinct Cremations went above and beyond in every area. I picked my options on the website, nice and simple, to get an idea of my quote. Then had a lovely discussion on the phone with Dan. We talked about all the options I wanted and he was so thougthful, sincere and genuinely supportive, I was really nicely surprised. It was really simple to put the order through and to pay for. Since then I have had a singluar, regular contact called Grace who looked after me every step of the way. The professionalism and compassion of the staff at Distinct Cremations is second to none. I was informed at every step with what was going to happen. They regularly checked in with me, to make sure I was doing ok. The service and celebrant Carol Porter was incredible. Everything happened exactly as planned. I couldn't have wanted anything better. The ashes were delivered to me at home, I had the standard box for them to be delivered in. The gentleman who delivered them was really kind and compassionate also. They came in a really nice blue box. Thank you for making one of the worst times of my life as easy as it could have been. I would highly recommend Distinct Cremations to everyone. I would definitely use them again myself.
Anonymous, on Feefo 7 Mar 2025
I purchased a cremation plan for my wife and myself. It was very easy to do and so far everything is fine. Just hope I don"t need to use it for a while. Bob
Yvette Glover, on Feefo 7 Mar 2025
I am so grateful to the two people who looked after me during the process of organising the cremation. They were really caring and nothing seemed too much trouble. A huge thank you to Daniel and especially Maxine.
David Peter Lee, on Feefo 6 Mar 2025
Excellent company and great customer service and follow up.
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