Sue Cook shares her views on celebrating a life well lived

Changing attitudes to death and dying

TV presenter Sue Cook shares her thoughts on the changing funeral landscape and the importance of celebrating a loved one's life in a way that suits them.

Back in the 1980s, when I was busy filming for TV programmes like Nationwide, Daytime Live, Holiday, Crimewatch and Children in Need, the last thing on my mind would have been the subject of funeral planning. I was in my thirties and my parents were spring chickens in their early sixties.

In any case, funerals in those days were usually serious and elaborate affairs which somehow felt burdensome both to attend and to organise.

Now, almost certainly accelerated by the social restrictions we underwent during the COVID-19 outbreak, it’s plain to see that attitudes to managing death and dying are changing.

I agreed to appear in TV adverts for Distinct Cremations because I firmly believe that no-fuss affordable funerals are the way forward.

The role of traditional funerals

I’m lucky to still have my mother with me. But at 105, and now in a care home after recently suffering two falls, I have become used to considering end-of-life planning for her.

We’ve talked about it together. She grew up in times when cultural and religious traditions played a significant role in shaping funeral practices, and for her, having a traditional send-off feels important.

A growing preference for simple funerals

Personally, I’m impressed by the growing preference for simple cremations or burials over traditional funerals.

There’s a definite cultural shift in the way society approaches death and remembrance. The number of people opting for direct cremations, with Distinct Cremations one of the leading providers, has increased sharply since 2019.*

Funeral plans can be bought for a direct funeral that includes a basic coffin, transport and cremation without family or friends present.

Families can receive the ashes and then organise an event around the scattering or burial if they wish, and maybe arrange a memorial event at a time of their own choosing.

^{* In 2019, 3% of people chose a direct cremation and in 2023 this had risen to 20% (SunLife Cost of Dying Report 2024, sunlife.co.uk/funeral-costs)}

Cremation services with Distinct Cremations

I saw the service Distinct Cremations provide when I paid a visit to Westerleigh Crematorium near Bristol. I was both moved and impressed.

Whether or not relatives have decided to be present, a piece of music they have chosen is played to accompany the coffin at its departure.

If the cremation is unattended, the family receives a phone call from Distinct Cremations to tell them exactly what time the cremation will take place so that they can be there in spirit.

I also made a point of seeing for myself that there is no possible way one person’s ashes can ever be mixed up with anyone else’s. Everything is done with huge care, respect and real reverence.

Benefits of an alternative celebration of life

A service like this is the perfect option for people like a friend of mine whose husband died recently. She told me what a relief it was not to feel she had to organise a big traditional funeral for him.

The grief felt too raw to cope with making all the necessary arrangements so soon after losing him. Not only that, but knowing what a live wire he’d been in his lifetime, the idea of shiny black limousines and people dressed in black just didn’t feel appropriate.

She opted to organise a slap-up party three months later, by which time she had been able to put together a little video celebrating her husband’s life for everyone to share happy memories of him. And she felt able to give a short speech, which she’d never have managed earlier.

The importance of remembrance

For me, the funeral ceremony itself isn’t nearly as important as going beyond it and ensuring that a loved one who has passed on is actively remembered. A life well lived is to be celebrated, cherished, and commemorated.

Each life lived and now departed has been a significant part of our human story. It’s been not only a part of that person’s family’s history but also part of the history of humanity.

I love going to a garden of remembrance or cemetery and looking at the names, feeling connected with those people who have lived all kinds of lives in all kinds of places and had so many stories to tell. So many ups and downs. Joys and adversities. Death, as they say, is the one universal thread that binds us all.

By being able to see their names and their dates of birth and death, they are still living on in our planet. Still part of the human continuum.

Alternative ways to remember a loved one

It’s good news, I think, that people are getting to feel it is okay to do things their way without being judged by others.

I like the idea that the money you might have spent on an elaborate traditional ceremony could be used in other ways; particularly ways that continue the loved one’s memory.

The party at a later date makes a lot of sense. It’s nice to plant a tree in someone’s name or perhaps buy a memorial seat overlooking a place that meant something to them. Some of us may decide to give the money to a particular charity.

Environmental considerations are a key influence these days too. There is a growing interest in eco-friendly funeral options or "green" burial options.

Talking about death

Instead of shying away from the idea of death and dying, people are beginning to actually talk about it more these days. There are several thousand ‘Death Cafes’ in the UK now where people can meet up over coffee and cake or a glass of wine and share thoughts on life and death in general.

There are podcasts too with useful, practical advice and tips. One of my favourites is run by Sue Brayne, a counsellor friend of mine called “Embracing Your Mortality”.

Far from seeming a bit macabre, taking proactive steps to plan your final farewell can be a thoughtful decision, taking the burden of responsibility away from family and friends and allowing them the space to mourn without the added stress of decision-making.

Think about it, acknowledge the eventual inevitability, decide what you want and then get on with living.