Understanding the 5 stages of grief

Denial serves as the first crucial coping mechanism during the 5 stages of grief. It can manifest in a variety of ways, reflecting the diverse nature of individual experiences with grief. For some, denial may involve an outright refusal to accept the reality of the loss, while others might engage in behaviours that distract them from facing the painful truth. This stage can vary widely among individuals, influenced by their unique personalities, backgrounds, and relationship with the deceased.

At its core, denial is the brain's way of protecting itself from the immediate shock of loss. The human mind can only process so much pain at once, and denial serves as a buffer, giving the bereaved person time to come to terms with their new reality gradually. During this stage, it's not uncommon for individuals to continue talking about their lost loved one as if they were still alive, or to hold onto possessions and routines associated with them. This behaviour is a natural part of the grieving process, allowing the person to slowly adapt to the absence of their loved one.

It's important to recognise that denial is a very normal and natural emotion to experience. It provides a temporary reprieve from the overwhelming sorrow that accompanies loss, giving the bereaved a chance to gather their strength before confronting the full weight of their grief. This stage should not be rushed or judged, as it is a critical part of healing.

Comforting someone in denial involves patience and understanding. Acknowledge their feelings and allow them the space to grieve in their own way and at their own pace. Reassure them that what they are experiencing is a normal reaction to an incredibly difficult situation. With time and support, most individuals will move beyond denial, gradually allowing the reality of their loss to sink in and beginning the process of healing.

Anger at the deceased, or themselves, is a common emotion in the bereaved. They may feel that death is cruel and unfair and have a sense of having been abandoned by their loved one. This anger is a strong emotional response that often masks their sadness and fear for the future. The bereaved may seem difficult and unapproachable at the time when they need comfort and support the most.

Anger might be directed not just at others, but internally as well. People often blame themselves, questioning if they could have done something differently to prevent the loss. This self-directed anger can be incredibly painful, contributing to feelings of guilt and regret. Recognising that this anger is a natural part of the grieving process is essential. It is a way for individuals to express the deep pain they are feeling and can be a crucial step toward healing. By allowing themselves to feel and work through this anger, they can begin to confront and process their underlying grief.

The sense of helplessness when someone dies often triggers strong feelings of regret that things hadn’t turned out differently. ‘What if I’d done this’ or ‘If only that had happened’ are common thoughts where the bereaved person wishes they could go back and change the past. They imagine themselves bargaining with a higher power to bring their loved one back.

Bargaining is a natural response to the feelings of helplessness that accompany grief. When faced with a situation beyond our control, it's instinctive to try to regain a sense of influence or agency. Common thoughts during this stage might include making promises or deals with a higher power, such as, "If you bring them back, I’ll be a better person," or "I would give anything to have just one more day with them." These thoughts reflect the deep yearning to reverse the loss and the desperation to alter reality.

This stage can also involve a focus on "if-only" scenarios and hypotheticals, where individuals replay events over and over in their minds, imagining different outcomes. They might think, "If only I had insisted they go to the doctor sooner," or "What if I had been there with them?" These thoughts are a way of coping with the pain by temporarily creating an alternate reality where the loss didn’t occur. Although this can be a painful and exhausting process, it is a crucial part of grieving. It reflects the intense love and connection the bereaved had with their loved one, and the profound impact of their loss.

When the reality of death sinks in, the overwhelming sense of sadness can lead to depression. The bereaved may feel that carrying on no longer has any purpose and that their own life is effectively over too. As depressed people can become withdrawn and difficult to reach, they can become more isolated and cut off from everyday life. Depression can last weeks or even years and may come in waves. The bereaved may appear accepting and upbeat one day and deeply sad the next.

Depression manifests differently from person to person. Some might experience a constant low mood, while others may have periods of intense sadness interspersed with moments of normalcy. It's important to recognise that these variations are normal. Seeking support from mental health professionals can be crucial in managing depression, especially if it becomes overwhelming. External support resources like Samaritans can provide immediate help and a listening ear when things feel too heavy to bear.

In addition to emotional symptoms, grief can cause physical symptoms such as fatigue, changes in appetite, and sleep disturbances. These physical manifestations can further impact one's ability to cope with loss and highlight the importance of comprehensive care. Addressing both the emotional and physical aspects of grief through a combination of professional support, self-care, and reaching out to support networks can aid in the healing process. If depression becomes too overwhelming, it is vital to seek help. Mental health professionals can provide strategies and interventions to help navigate this challenging time, and resources like the Samaritans offer support for those in crisis.

One of the most difficult things to consider while grieving is the logistics of organising a funeral. However, by purchasing a funeral plan for a loved one or even for yourself, you and your family can navigate through the logistical complexities with a little more calm.

A funeral plan lets you arrange and pay for a funeral in advance, whether for yourself or someone else. Planning a funeral ahead of time means you can choose the type of funeral you would like to have, your preferred funeral plan provider and the payment schedule that would best suit you.

Funeral plans can be paid for either upfront in a single payment or in monthly instalments over a set period of time. This helps relieve your loved ones of financial and planning burdens during a difficult time and ensures your funeral wishes are carried out exactly as you want.

At Distinct Cremations, our funeral plans offer either attended or unattended funerals.

See more information about our Unattended Direct Cremation Plan or our Small Attended Cremation Plans below or alternatively you can view our Simple Funeral Plan offering a full length celebrant-led cremation funeral.

For additional pricing information and a full list of our optional extras, please see our price list.

Grief is not always a linear process; it often unfolds in a more complex and fluid manner. While the five stages of grief provide a useful framework, many people do not experience these stages in that order. It’s common for individuals to move back and forth between stages, revisiting certain emotions as they process their grief. For instance, someone might feel a sense of acceptance only to later experience a resurgence of anger or sadness.

Understanding that grief can be non-linear helps to normalise the varied and unpredictable nature of bereavement. Each person’s journey through grief is unique, influenced by their relationship with the deceased, personal coping mechanisms, and life circumstances. It’s important to remember that there is no “right” way to grieve, and it’s perfectly normal for your experience to deviate from the classic model. Embracing the non-linear nature of grief can offer comfort and reassurance, affirming that whatever you are feeling and however you are coping is part of a valid and personal healing process.

The five stages of grief model originates from the work of Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who introduced it in her groundbreaking 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Kübler-Ross developed the model based on her observations and interviews with terminally ill patients and was pivotal in changing how society understands and approaches grief and bereavement.

If you're struggling or would just like someone to talk to, below are a few helplines that do great work and provide a shoulder to lean on for anyone who needs support:

Samaritans (Call: 116 123) - Free 24/7 support for anyone needing any kind of emotional support

Cruse (Call: 0808 808 1677) - Free helpline supporting those suffering with grief

Veterans UK (Call: 0808 191 4218) - Government-run support organisation providing free support for veterans and their families

Age UK (Call: 0800 678 1602) - The UK's leading charity helping millions of older people with support, companionship and advice

The Silver Line (Call: 0800 470 8090) - Free 24/7 helpline for older people struggling with loneliness, sadness or lowness

Below are a few more resources that may help when it comes to managing grief.